The Door at the Top of the Stairs Read online

  In a daze, Morgan sat down on the grass. She pulled Jesse into her lap and held her, her own tears falling into Jesse's hair. Ryland got down on her knees and held both of them together, quieting Jesse until she had nothing left inside but emptiness.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Jesse didn't get out of bed the following morning, and Morgan didn't have the heart to pull her out. She and Ryland had stayed up most of the night talking about Jesse, about what had happened, and about how she was going to react. Morgan moved around the barn, feeding the horses, talking to them, checking for problems or injuries.

  When Jesse didn't come out for the evening feeding, Morgan began to get worried. She stared at the apartment door, wondering whether she should go in. The barn phone rang with the distinctive sound for the main house. She picked it up. “Hi."

  "Is she out yet?"

  "No, I wasn't sure if I should check on her. Can you come down?"

  Ryland didn't answer right away. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea right now, Morg. In her eyes, I humiliated her. I’m the enemy. I think maybe you should go in and try to talk to her."

  "And what do I say? What do you say to someone who was totally and completely destroyed by another human being?"

  "Totally and completely destroyed? Morgan, you and Jesse are too much alike, do you even realize that? You see the utter humiliation and degradation. I see the triumph and the strength that brought her this far. You cannot let her even begin to know you think she's completely destroyed, because that's exactly how she sees herself right now."

  Morgan put her head in her hand and fought back tears. "It's how I would feel if he'd made me surrender like she had to surrender. He forced her to obey him in the most humiliating, degrading way possible. I would be dead inside. Please, can you come down? I can't do this."

  "Now I don't think you have to do it; I know you have to do it.

  The two of you have to bring each other to see that she's not dead, she's not destroyed, because if you can't see it, and you're her strength, Morgan, she will be dead. I absolutely guarantee it."

  Morgan looked over at the apartment door. "Damn it!" She threw a pen up against the wall. "All right. I'll be up in a little while. I love you, Ry."

  "You know I love you. Morgan, I have one more question for you. How many times did we tell her that no matter what happened, she wouldn't be any less of a person in our eyes? Were you lying to her when you said that?"

  Morgan knew the answer was no, but she didn't understand what was going on in her own head. "No, I wasn't."

  "It didn't happen to you, Morgan."

  "I know that."

  "Do you?"

  They were both silent for a very long time until Morgan gently set the phone back on its cradle. She walked to the stacks of hay, climbed up on a bale facing the apartment and sat with her back up against another bale.

  The barn was unusually quiet. It was close to feeding time, and on a normal day, the horses would be pacing and letting their humans know it was time for their evening meal. Tonight, they were quiet, and Morgan wondered whether they knew something was different. She stared at the apartment door, willing the angry, sullen Jesse to stalk out.

  But Jesse was probably still in her bed. Morgan doubted she'd gotten up all day. As she stared at the door, she thought of the reasons Jesse wasn't coming out. She was in her room, humiliated and feeling sorry for herself, and Morgan was out here, feeling sorry for her too. Nothing had changed, so why had they? Why had she?

  She’d originally planned to quietly knock on the door and ask permission to come in. To Hell with that. She pushed off the bale and stalked over to the apartment. She pounded on the door so hard that her fist actually hurt. “Jesse, get your ass out here and feed these horses. Now!" She counted to five, then pulled out her keys, unlocked the door and stormed in. Jesse was lying on her stomach under some blankets with pillows covering her head. Morgan pulled off the blankets, but Jesse held the pillows tight.

  "I said get up and feed! Now!" When Jesse didn't move, Morgan picked up the side of the bed and dumped her onto the floor.

  Jesse came up ready for a fight, her fists clenched and cocked.

  Morgan grabbed her collar and jerked her close. “I've told you before, you want a fight, then do it!"

  Jesse slugged Morgan in the stomach so hard she had a hard time catching her breath. Morgan hauled back and punched Jesse in the face at the same time Jesse came up with an uppercut to Morgan's jaw. Morgan's punch landed solid, and Jesse's slammed Morgan's mouth shut. Jesse swung again, but Morgan blocked it and landed a heavy blow to Jesse's midsection, then followed up with another solid left to the head. Jesse's knees buckled and she went down.

  Morgan grabbed her by the collar and pulled her up again.

  Jesse's lip was bleeding and her eye was beginning to swell shut.

  Morgan jerked her to within inches of her face. “I warned you, Jesse, I'll always come out on top!"

  Jesse refused to look away, and Morgan growled, “You want some more?" Jesse glared a little longer, then looked over Morgan's shoulder. Morgan pulled the collar tighter. “Are you ready to get out there and feed the damn horses?"

  "Yeah."

  "Yes Ma'am!"

  Jesse turned her head sideways, looked down at the floor and growled, “Yes Ma'am."

  Morgan grabbed her by the back of the shirt and shoved her out into the barn. Jesse shrugged her shirt back where it belonged and stalked over toward the hay. Morgan watched her go, then headed for the door. “And make sure you clean up your goddamn mess before you climb back into that bed!"

  As Jesse walked away, she lifted her right hand and flipped her the bird. Morgan smiled and nodded, then headed up to the house.

  Ryland was in the living room when Morgan walked in.

  Morgan was massaging her jaw and Ryland followed her into the bathroom. Ryland turned on the light and stared at the bruise forming under Morgan's chin. "Morgan, what happened?"

  Morgan tried to see inside her mouth. “I think she chipped my tooth."

  "She hit you?"

  "We had a discussion." Morgan pulled up her shirt to check out the bruise on her stomach. A dark circle had formed directly under her diaphragm.

  "Morgan!"

  "Can you see if my tooth is chipped?" Morgan held her lip down so Ryland could see in her mouth.

  "What does Jesse look like?"

  Morgan turned back to the mirror and looked at her teeth again. “I won."

  "Morgan!"

  "Why do you keep saying that? Jesse's fine. We had our discussion and now she's feeding the horses. Don't you even care that I might have a chipped tooth?"

  All Ryland could think to do was turn around and go back into the living room. She picked up the book she'd been reading on post-traumatic stress disorder, looked at it a minute, then walked over and tossed it on the fire.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The next morning, Morgan came in and told Jesse to saddle Pride, Rebel, and Kanab. Jesse grabbed Kanab's halter and started down the aisle. “I'm not going out. I don't want to ride."

  "I don't remember asking you." Morgan was paging through the notebook at the feed table. "You wrote that Aristotle hasn't been eating well lately. I like the way you're recording the amounts he's leaving. I'll call Dr. Elimena and see if he can come check him."

  Jesse haltered Kanab, who was famous for walking close behind whoever led him. As they walked down the aisle, he accidentally hit the back of Jesse's boot with his front hoof. She turned and shouldered him in the chest to back him up a little.

  “Will you stop that? Back up, you moron."

  Morgan checked over her shoulder to see what was going on.

  When they started walking again, Kanab inched his way closer to Jesse until he was right up on her back. Jesse stopped quickly, and Kanab had to mince his steps to keep from walking right over her.

  He lay his ears back, and Jesse started forward again. He moved up close again, ears back,
watching what she'd do. Jesse immediately started walking backward into him, backing him up all the way to his stall. She put him in and took off the halter. "Fine...you wanna fuck with me, you can stay here."

  Morgan put the notebook back on the shelf and headed out the door. “Ryland and I will be back soon. Make sure all three of them are ready to go."

  Jesse had returned to the line of halters hung on the wall, and since Pride's halter was up pretty high, she stood on her toes to reach it. "I told you, I'm not coming."

  Stopping where she was, Morgan said over her shoulder, “And I told you to have the three horses ready."

  "Great, one can stand here saddled until the two of you get back." Jesse went to Pride's stall and started to open the gate.

  "Come here." Morgan still hadn't turned around. She was pointing to the ground in front of her feet.

  Jesse mumbled under her breath, hung the halter over the gate and closed it again. She moved to the spot Morgan indicated and stood sideways to her, arms crossed, eyes set on the barn door.

  Morgan's glare bored a hole into the side of Jesse's head.

  Neither of them spoke or moved. Jesse shifted and looked sideways at Morgan, who stood with her hands on her hips, still as a statue.

  Jesse uncrossed her arms, then crossed them again, finally turning to face Morgan head on. "Fine, I'll ride." She went back to Pride's stall and brought her out to tie her to a ring. Morgan was no longer standing where Jesse had left her, and she let out a sigh.

  She didn't want to ride with Ryland. Ryland was all jumbled up in her mind. She hated her, but she couldn't imagine life without her right now. Ryland knew too much, and now Morgan knew it too, but Morgan was okay with what she knew. Jesse was too ashamed to face Ryland, and she wasn't sure how to act.

  She brushed and saddled Pride, then went back for Kanab, who watched her over the top of his gate. "You gonna behave?" He put his ears back, so she got Rebel out instead. Kanab paced around his stall and stuck his head out when she walked by with Rebel.

  She brushed and saddled Rebel, then went back a third time for Kanab. She stood in front of his stall. He kept his ears forward while she stood there, so she opened the gate, stepped in and put the halter on. She led him out into the aisle, and when he inched up to her, she turned him around and put him back in the stall. "You wanna stay here?" She waited a few seconds, then led him out into the aisle again. He kept a respectful distance behind her. Her pocket was always full of baby carrots, and as she walked, she reached back and held one out for him. He gently took it from her hand and munched on it while she tied him to a ring.

  All three horses were ready when Morgan returned with Ryland at her side. Jesse stood behind Kanab and refused to get close to Ryland. She led him outside and mounted. The other two mounted as well, and as they left the barn area, Jesse stayed behind with Morgan's horse between her and Ryland. They began a slow trot around one of the pastures, gradually warming the horses before they began taking the jumps. Jesse didn't like posting, and she sat the saddle as though riding western.

  Morgan called out to her. “I've told you, when you're in that saddle, you post."

  "Posting's stupid." She figured if your butt stayed in the saddle, why bounce on purpose?

  "I said, post."

  "It looks stupid. I ride just fine without having to look stupid."

  Morgan rode over to Kanab. “Take your feet out of the stirrups."

  "What?"

  When Morgan didn't answer, Jesse kicked her feet out.

  Morgan grabbed her by the back of the shirt and pulled her off Kanab. "We're riding several miles today, and you can walk until you're ready to post."

  Morgan squeezed Rebel with her boots and trotted off. Jesse felt Ryland behind her and pulled Kanab's reins over his head and followed Morgan. Ryland rode up beside her. Jesse felt her face go red, and she moved to the other side of Kanab.

  They walked in silence for a half-mile or so, Morgan cantering and taking the jumps and Ryland and Jesse bringing up the rear.

  Ryland dismounted and walked on the other side of Kanab's head.

  Jesse put up with that for about a minute before she remounted Kanab and rode off. Morgan rode Rebel up to Kanab and grabbed the reins near his chin. "You ready to post?"

  "Yeah."

  "Yes Ma'am."

  "What is it with you and this 'yes Ma'am' shit? How many times do I have to say it before you're satisfied?"

  "Get off." Morgan raised her eyebrows, warning Jesse not to push.

  "Damn it, Morgan, what is it with you today?" The words came out as she dismounted, and she didn't see Morgan smile and wink at Ryland, who was coming up behind them leading Pride.

  Morgan let go of Kanab's reins. “You get on when I tell you to get on." She rode off to practice some jumps with Rebel, who was new to the sport and needed more work on his timing.

  Jesse looked back and down at Ryland's feet, her face burning.

  She pulled the reins over Kanab's head again and started to walk, the horse between her and Ryland.

  "You don't have to hide from me, you know."

  Jesse didn't answer. Her stomach knotted because she didn't want to face Ryland.

  Ryland reached up and stopped Kanab. She stepped around in front of Jesse and put her hand to Jesse's black eye. "The good news is, if we get into a fight, you'll wipe the floor up with me."

  Jesse met Ryland's eyes, then dropped her gaze back to the ground. Ryland reached around Jesse's neck and pulled her into an embrace. She brought Jesse's head down onto her shoulder and held it there. "We're winning, Jesse. We're winning, and we're almost done. Hang in there with me just a little longer." Ryland gently kissed her hair. “You don't hate me, you know, but you think I'm embarrassed about what you told me. I'm not. I love you a hundred times more for your strength because you trusted me enough to be part of your nightmare. Together, we'll destroy that nightmare. I promise."

  Jesse rested her head on Ryland's shoulder, listening. As Ryland spoke, Jesse slowly returned the embrace. They stayed like that until Kanab pushed Jesse with his muzzle. She stepped back and reached around to settle her horse. She held Ryland's eyes, then nodded slightly.

  Ryland gathered Pride's reins and mounted the beautiful, all white mare. "I think I'd better give her some exercise or she won't be ready the next time I use her to hunt." She rode off down the sloping meadow, and Jesse followed on foot for another half-mile or so until Morgan came back and told her to mount.

  "Warm him up again, then take him over some low jumps.

  And when you trot—"

  "Look stupid."

  "Exactly."

  She took Kanab through his paces, making sure he never actually trotted so she wouldn't have to post. He was good with his jumps. Some horses never get the timing right, but all of Morgan's horses were excellent. She’d bought them specifically with foxhunting in mind, and she’d spent years perfecting their skills.

  On the way back to the barn, Morgan asked Jesse. “So, you ready to start riding with the second flight?" People new to the sport of foxhunting stay with the second flight or with the hilltoppers, and generally stay behind the members of the first flight.

  "Never."

  "Your enthusiasm is overwhelming. Start thinking about it. I want you to learn the sport."

  "I'm a stable hand. I work in the stable. I don't foxhunt."

  "Scared?"

  "Of what?"

  "You might have to socialize?"

  "You do enough of that for both of us." She was quiet a minute. “Of course, I might have to make an exception when Sandra rides. Well, that's not true either, since she won't actually have to leave the barn to do her riding."

  The wind carried away Morgan's laughter as easily as it blew the leaves around the base of the trees. Jesse hunched down in her saddle to keep what little warmth she had from leeching away. For some reason, being cold reminded her of the dirt room, and she let her mind wander back to the cold nights spent lying on the floo
r while waiting for the door at the top of the stairs to open and praying that it wouldn't. "The dirt room was cold. Freezing some nights. It was pitch black, always, unless the door at the top of the stairs was open."

  "How did you stay warm?" Morgan tucked her free hand up under her armpit to warm it up.

  "I'd walk around the edge of the walls, do push ups if I could...sometimes I'd spend hours walking up and down the steps just to keep my blood flowing. I'd walk up, touch the door, walk back down." She reached down and rested her hand on Kanab's neck. They finished the ride in silence, and once inside the barn, they unsaddled the horses and Jesse was left to brush them and return them to their stalls, then sweep up. Morgan went to check on the hounds in sickbay, and Ryland went back to the house to do some writing on her book.

  While Jesse worked, her mind wandered back to the solitude of the room that had been her prison for so long. She wasn't sure how long she'd been held there, and she didn't remember how she'd gotten away. She remembered the room was round, not square like you would expect. She could walk ten steps across the center in any direction, and if she jumped, her hand touched the ceiling. It was wood and mud, and sometimes she'd jump and scrape the ceiling just so the dirt would fall down on her and she could feel something, anything, that touched her without hurting.

  "Hey, you okay?" Morgan had come in quietly while Jesse was leaning on the broom handle, lost in thought.

  Jesse started. “Yeah." She moved slowly across the floor again, rhythmically pushing what little dirt there was into a pile in the middle of the floor. She remembered one time, the door at the top of the stairs opened, and no one came down. The light streamed into the room, and though the room was still darker than a moonlit night, it almost blinded her. She saw herself sitting, watching the stairs, waiting for someone to come down. Her heart raced because she knew eventually someone would come and the pain would begin over again. Her fingers found her neck, and the pulse pounded through her veins, trying to push its way through faster than was supposed to be possible.