The Door at the Top of the Stairs Read online

  Jesse blinked in confusion as Morgan began another circuit of the room, opening cupboards and drawers. When Morgan lifted the mattress off the box springs, she sighed and rested her head on the upturned mattress. An open pack of cigarettes lay on top of the box springs.

  Ryland said quietly. “Are those yours, Jesse?"

  "I don't smoke."

  Morgan lowered the mattress. "She asked if those were yours."

  "No."

  Morgan held Ryland's eyes a second before starting for the barn door. "Let's go."

  Ryland put her arm around Jesse's shoulders and they followed Morgan out into the sunshine and around behind the barn.

  Cody and Rico were working at the kennels. When Morgan called them, Cody immediately leaned his shovel against the chain link and Rico stepped out of a pen. The two of them walked over together. Cody jumped a small culvert and said, “Yes Ma'am?"

  Morgan ignored him and addressed Rico first. "Rico, have you ever seen Jesse smoke on the farm, or anywhere for that matter?"

  Rico was an honest man whom Morgan had been lucky to find five years earlier. He'd been mending one of the outdoor kennels, and he pulled out a handkerchief to wipe his brow. “No, Señora. I never see her. She no smoke when I see her."

  "Cody?"

  Jesse's chin lifted and understanding dawned when she saw Cody's reaction. Ryland leaned in and whispered. “Let him dig his own hole."

  Jesse hesitated, then nodded just a fraction of an inch. At least she knew Ryland believed her.

  Cody scuffed some dirt under his feet as though he really didn't want to say anything.

  Ryland felt tension in her own shoulders and she carefully relaxed her posture. She was watching an Academy Award winning performance and didn't want Cody to think for an instant she wasn't buying it.

  Morgan rested her hands on her hips. “I asked you a question, Cody."

  Cody reluctantly answered. “Yes Ma'am, I have. I saw her smoking behind the barn this morning, and I found cigarette butts back there this last week."

  "What time did you see her this morning?"

  "About 4:15. I got here a little early to get a head start on the kennels."

  "Did you confront her?"

  "Yes Ma'am. I felt awful about it, but I was worried she might start a fire."

  "What did she say?"

  He shook his head and looked apologetically at Jesse. “She begged me not to tell you. She said she wouldn't do it anymore if I would just keep it to myself."

  Morgan glanced at Ryland who was relieved to see a spark of amusement in Morgan's eyes.

  Morgan turned back to Cody again. “She begged you?"

  "Yes Ma'am." He looked at Jesse. “I'm sorry."

  "All right, thanks Cody. Rico." Morgan shook hands with Rico and headed back to the barn. Ryland and Jesse followed.

  When they got inside, Morgan grabbed a clean rag and looked at Jesse. “Do you mind if I go in and get the cigarettes?"

  Jesse shook her head.

  Morgan went into the apartment and came out with the cigarettes wrapped in the cloth. She stopped next to Jesse on her way out of the barn, looked sideways at her and raised an eyebrow.

  “You begged?"

  Jesse looked away to hide the hint of a smile she couldn't keep off her face.

  Morgan put her hand on Jesse's shoulder. “I don't want you two playing baseball until I get this all sorted out. You understand me?"

  Jesse had plans for Cody, and since she couldn't answer Morgan honestly, she stayed silent.

  "Jesse, look at me."

  Jesse did.

  "No baseball. Period. Do you understand me?"

  Jesse scowled. “How about just one inning?"

  "None."

  “All right, but when you're done, he's mine."

  As she walked out, Morgan mumbled, “There won't be anything left when I'm done."

  Chapter Eleven

  The doorbell rang at two the following morning. Morgan untangled her legs from Ryland's and sat up as Ryland pulled the clock around so she could see it better. Morgan smiled and leaned over to kiss Ryland's nipple in the sudden, cool air. “Damn...a wasted cold snap." She slipped out of bed and reached for her robe.

  “Who do you think's ringing our bell at two in the morning?"

  Ryland shrugged into her robe as well. "I have no idea."

  They went to the living room and pushed back the curtain on the front window. Jesse was crouched down, leaning against the porch railing, grabbing her head between her hands. Morgan jumped for the door and Ryland pulled her back. "We need to make her believe this is no big deal. She needs to know we're both in control, and that we can handle what's happening. Believe it or not, this a good thing."

  Ryland went out first and knelt next to Jesse. She rested her hand on her back and spoke softly. “I guess it's time for another session, huh? Come on in, and we'll get more comfortable."

  Jesse pushed to her feet and stumbled through the door. She started to go down on one knee but Morgan took her arm and led her to the couch. "C'mon, kid; I'm too old to sit on the floor."

  The two of them sat on the couch while Ryland detoured into the kitchen. Jesse had her head between her knees, her hands wrapped in her hair. In a raspy voice she whispered, “My head's exploding."

  Morgan glanced at the kitchen door, hoping Ryland was on her way out. "No it's not, Jess. I know it hurts, but it won't explode.

  I promise. Maybe you should slow your breathing down or something...try to relax a little."

  Jesse rocked back and forth. "It hurts, and I can't stop it. I can usually stop it."

  Ryland walked back into the room with a glass of water.

  “That's because we're letting some memories come out now. It's harder for you to keep them in on your own. You did exactly the right thing coming here." She touched Jesse, and when she didn't move, Ryland knelt in front of her and put her hand on her shoulder. “Here, drink some of this and we'll talk about what's happening, okay?" She turned to Morgan. “I put some coffee on.

  When it's ready, would you get us each a cup?"

  Morgan was sitting sideways on the couch, her elbow resting on the back cushion, her head on her hand. "Coffee at two in the morning?"

  Ryland moved around and sat in her chair. "This is going to take a little while, and you might want to be awake for it."

  She smiled when Morgan raised sleepy eyebrows and said,

  “Good point."

  Ryland turned her attention to Jesse, who still had her head on her knees. “Jesse, try to sit up and tell me what started the headache. Were you asleep?"

  Jesse shook her head.

  "Do you remember what you were thinking about when it started?”

  Jesse nodded, then slowly sank sideways on the couch, pushing her hands into her head. “Make it stop...please, make it stop."

  Ryland didn't ask any more questions. She sat back and laced her fingers together over one knee.

  To Morgan’s surprise, Jesse pushed herself into a sitting position, turned to face her and leaned back into the couch, still jamming her hands around her head. Sweat glistened on her face and neck. When she breathed, the air came out in quick, pain-filled gasps. “What do you see?”

  Morgan glanced at Ryland, who stayed quiet. She looked back at Jesse and shrugged. “I guess I see...I...I don’t know. What do you mean?”

  Jesse spoke in a ragged whisper. “Tell me what you see on my face.” Her eyes were watering from the pain.

  “Jesse, I don’t see anything. I don’t know what you’re asking.”

  Ryland leaned over and put her hand on Jesse’s knee. “There’s nothing on your face, Honey. That was a long time ago. It’s all gone.”

  Jesse buried her face farther into the pillows. Ryland had to strain to hear her when she said, “It’s there. I couldn't get it off.

  They left it there." She rubbed at her face with the sleeve of her shirt. “Why can't you see anything?"

  Ryland put her hand
between Jesse's face and sleeve to stop her. “It's not there physically, Little One, but it's still there up here." She tapped Jesse's forehead. “It's still in your subconscious.

  We're going to bring it out and wash it off and let it go."

  Ryland sat back in the chair again. “Morgan, will you go get my hand mirror out of the bathroom please?"

  Morgan was relieved to have something concrete to do. She walked through their bedroom and picked up Ryland's mirror. It was a beautiful, antique looking-glass with a silver patina she'd given Ryland on her sixty-third birthday. She held it a minute, thinking about how lucky she'd been the day Ryland had walked into her life and what a truly amazing woman she was. She walked back into the living room and handed Ryland the mirror.

  Ryland held it up to Jesse. “I want you to look at yourself in this mirror and tell me what you see."

  Jesse turned her head away. “No."

  Ryland continued to hold the mirror. "Why won't you look?

  You know there's nothing there."

  Jesse punched her head. “I see it in here! If I see it in there, it will explode in here!" She punched her head again.

  "Oh, I see. You're afraid your present reality is going to collide with memory, and that will be the end of Jesse...am I right?" Jesse didn't answer, and Ryland asked. “Have you ever looked in the mirror and seen blood and brains on your face?"

  Morgan blanched as Jesse pushed in on her temples. After a few seconds, Jesse nodded.

  "When?"

  Jesse leaned forward to put her elbows on her knees, her head in her hands. “Can you make it stop hurting? I just want it to stop. I see black and it hurts."

  "As we talk, the pressure in your head will go away, I promise. Now tell me, when have you seen blood and gore on your face?"

  Jesse had to believe Ryland was right. She wouldn't survive much more pain, so she started to talk. "I wake up at night and remember seeing it. I...I can't get it off me."

  "Like tonight?"

  Jesse nodded.

  "Do you think Morgan would ever lie to you?"

  "No."

  "Morgan, is there blood and gore on Jesse's face right now?"

  Morgan put her hand on Jesse's back and pulled her upright by the shirt, taking Jesse's hands and holding them away from her face. She stared into Jesse's eyes, trying to communicate with more than just words. “I would tell you if there was anything there.

  Anything. There is nothing there."

  Without taking her eyes off Jesse, she reached out for the mirror and Ryland put it in her hand. She held the mirror up in front of Jesse's face. "Look at your face. I promise on my mother's soul, there is nothing there."

  Jesse slowly raised her eyes, fully expecting to see blood and gore clinging to her. A hollow-eyed woman stared back at her, but there was nothing on her face except exhaustion and fear. Her breathing slowed and she took the mirror from Morgan, wiping the tears with the sleeve of her shirt.

  Once Jesse had the mirror, Ryland calmly said, “Tell me what it was like when his head exploded.”

  Morgan sat back and stared at Ryland, her mouth dropping open, her hands limp in her lap.

  Jesse didn't take her eyes off the mirror. "While they were forcing his head down, he was screaming something in Spanish. I tried to turn my head, but someone held it so I couldn’t. They were laughing, the other three."

  "Did you scream?"

  Jesse shook her head. She put down the mirror and leaned her head back on the couch. "He was so terrified...I wanted to help him." She closed her eyes and turned her head to the side.

  "Did you?"

  She nodded.

  "How?"

  "When his face was close enough to mine, I head butted him, really, really hard. I heard his nose crack, and I think he passed out."

  "And what did you see?"

  "I heard the explosion."

  "You heard the explosion. What did you see?"

  Jesse felt her forehead. “My head's not pounding anymore."

  Ryland nodded. “Good. So tell me, what did you see?"

  Jesse raised the mirror again and held it to her face. “There's nothing there."

  Ryland reached over and gently took the mirror from Jesse's hand. "No, there's nothing there. What did you see?"

  Jesse looked past Ryland, then over at Morgan. "They left."

  "That's not what I asked."

  The anger began to simmer now that she could think again. “I couldn't see."

  "Why not?"

  Jesse growled, and Morgan jumped when she reached over and grabbed the collar of her robe. “Make her shut up! She keeps asking the wrong questions!"

  Ryland moved forward and sat on the coffee table so she could pry Jesse's hands off Morgan’s robe. "Let go." When Jesse let go, Ryland sat back. “Morgan's here, and she's not going anywhere.

  Now look at her and tell me what you saw."

  Jesse turned on Ryland. “I told you, Goddamn it, I couldn't see anything!"

  "And I asked you why you couldn't see. Why couldn't you see anything?"

  "I just can't see! What don't you understand?" She leaned over and put the side of her head on the back of the sofa close to Morgan's shoulder.

  Morgan reached up and laid her hand on Jesse's cheek. "Relax, Jesse. She's just trying to help you. Answer her question."

  Ryland shifted a little on the coffee table. “Morgan has you.

  I'm here. You survived whatever happened in that room. I wasn't there with you, Jesse. I can't help if you don't describe what happened. Let's try it another way. Can you describe sounds? What things felt like? Taste...anything like that?"

  "I couldn't breathe."

  "Why not?"

  Jesse reached up and rubbed her temple. "His head—" She pressed harder. “What was left of his head," She put her other hand up and pressed both sides, then buried her forehead in Morgan's shoulder. “His head was covering my nose and mouth. They left his exploded head on me, and I couldn't breathe."

  "How did you finally breathe?"

  Jesse didn't move for a long time, and Ryland let her remember what she had to remember. She finally turned her face toward Ryland, her head still on Morgan's shoulder. All the tension left her face, leaving her tired and drawn. “I just pushed him off.

  They didn't tie me up. They just left us there." She pushed herself up and walked to the door. “We're done, aren't we?"

  Ryland heard abject defeat in the statement. She followed her to the door. “Yes, we're done for this morning. I'm very proud of you."

  Exhaustion was etched into every line of Jesse's face as she rested her head against the door. “Why, Ryland? I don't want to remember anymore. Why can't I just never remember any of it? It makes me sick, and I'm not sure I can live with what I do remember. What if the rest—" She leaned on her forehead and tears fell from her cheeks to the floor.

  Ryland pulled her close and held her. “The rest may very well be worse—it probably is worse—but you can live with it because Morgan and I can live with it. I give you my solemn word, no matter what we find, you will not be diminished in our eyes. You are strong. You survived, and you'll continue to survive."

  Jesse pushed away from Ryland, tears streaming down her face. “What if I don't want to survive anymore? What if I'm tired?"

  Morgan came over and gently took Jesse's shoulders. She turned her so they were facing each other. "We'll do this together, you and I. Ryland will show us where to go, but I promise you won't be going alone. I know we fight a lot, but you need to know I won't leave you. I give you my word on that." She surprised Ryland by putting her forehead against Jesse's. "You have to survive because I need you to survive." She stayed like that a second, wiping away Jesse’s tears with her thumbs, then she straightened and opened the door. "C'mon… Ryland and I'll walk you back to the barn."

  The two of them helped Jesse back to her room, then waited until the light went out under the door. Morgan put her arm around Ryland's shoulders, Ryland slipped an ar
m around Morgan's waist, and they slowly walked back up the path toward home. Ryland stopped halfway home and turned to face her friend. “Morgan, do you remember that young man I told Jesse about? The one who was tortured in Vietnam?"

  Morgan nodded.

  "What I didn't tell her was that he hung himself. In his note, he said he was too tired to go on. That happens sometimes in my business, and you need to know that. We play God and try to help, but ultimately, sometimes, we lose."

  Morgan had known suicide was a dim possibility, but hearing Ryland bring it into the open sickened her. She pulled Ryland closer and continued up the path toward the house, keeping her thoughts to herself.

  Ryland tucked herself under Morgan's arm, worried about what would happen if Jesse gave up, and hoping she'd be able to work the miracle she was beginning to think they’d need.

  Chapter Twelve

  The next morning, Jesse awoke to the sun streaming through her window. She jerked around and grabbed her clock. Seven-thirty. “Shit." She jumped out of bed, threw on her jeans, grabbed a t-shirt and ran out the door. The t-shirt stuck on her head and she pulled it on the rest of the way as she headed for the hay.

  Morgan was leaning over the feed table studying the feed book. "They're all fed and doctored, Sleeping Beauty. I don't like doing work I'm paying you to do, so don't make this a habit." She glanced up at Jesse. "I checked Cabo's hooves since you put in here you thought he might have thrush. I didn't see anything, but keep an eye on it anyway."

  Jesse nodded and headed toward her apartment.

  "I need you with me today out at the Johnson's place. We tore up part of his fence during cubbing the other day, and a couple jumps need work. Get some breakfast and we'll head out."

  Jesse reached for her doorknob. “I'm not hungry." She went in to get her boots on.

  Morgan turned a page in the book and muttered, “Of course you're not. If I said we didn't have time to eat, you'd be famished."

  Jesse came out and walked outside. She jumped in the bed of the truck and made herself comfortable with her back up against the cab. Morgan opened the driver's door. “You can ride inside, you know."

  "I'm fine."